Modified No Contact is to be implemented ONLY if you have children with the narcissist, a joint business or a family connection that forces you to engage with one another. The goal is creating boundaries which ensure as little contact and least emotional effort as possible.
⚠️ Only use Modified Contact if you have children, family, or legal obligations with the narcissist. No Exceptions!!!
🚫 Make a FIRM DECISION that you will no longer allow the manipulator to invade your life or behave like he/she is entitled to it.
When doing Modified Contact, you must…
Avoid reacting out of emotion to anything the narcissist throws at you. It’s all bait to get a reaction (emotional reaction = narcissistic supply)
Stop and give yourself the time and space you need to think and decide how you should respond (or if one is required at all.)
Not initiate or participate in conversation outside of necessary matters (children/business). No “small talk.” No “How’ve you been?”
Avoid responses that encourage them to unnecessarily expand on the conversation.
Keep interactions short and stick to facts.
The narcissist may react with anger & aggression. They need supply (your emotional reaction) and by allowing only superficial engagement, you’re withholding. If they show abusive behavior, give them a warning such as, “If you continue to yell, I’m going to hang up” or “If you can’t talk to me without calling me names, I’m leaving.”
If they persist, hang up or walk away. Enforce your boundaries!
Matters regarding children and business must be dealt with in a laser-focused, facts-only manner. Refrain from sharing other personal thoughts and emotions at all cost and remove all opportunities for the narcissist to take advantage and manipulate you again.
Tips to get you started with Modified No Contact
Modified No Contact take a little more effort than going FULL No Contact, but there are many who have successfully perfected this skill to a point where seeing the narcissist at children’s activities or speaking over the phone about business no longer triggers them.
You are still creating a PROTECTIVE SPACE between you and the narcissist, that allows you to heal and take back your life.
You’re NOT OBLIGATED to answer the phone when they call
Don’t pick up as soon as you see their number on caller ID. Let it go to voicemail so you have time to decide if/how you will to respond. When you do speak to the narcissist, end it as soon as the focus shifts away from your kids or business. If they become abusive, give them one warning, and if they do not respect your boundaries, hang up.
Limit communication to EMAIL ONLY
This is based on personal experience as well as from survivors I’ve worked with. Email will not only decrease the number of attacks by phone or text, you will have an electronic “paper trail” to present to court if you need to prove the narcissist’s instability.
If co-parenting, you might consider using is a court-approved parenting app or notebook where you write facts-only notes and instructions regarding the children’s well-being that you place in your child’s bag.
Do not allow the narc to freely walk into YOUR home
Your home is YOUR place of calm and safety, so you have the right to demand they no longer enter your property. If they attempt to disrespect your request, warn them that you will contact the authorities. You must defend your right to keep anything that disturbs your peace out of your home!
“Let go” during the other parent’s time with your kids
As difficult as it is, children are much safer and healthier with the narcissist if you remove yourself from their time with them. This is because the narc’s intention is to get a positive/negative response out of YOU. If you’re not “present”, there is no reason for them to react to anything.
However, if you can prove the narcissist is harming your children, immediately take action to deny the narc any access to your kids, or if appropriate, allow only supervised visitation.
You’re NOT OBLIGATED to agree with their requests for schedule changes to accommodate “kid-free” plans
This not only disturbs your children’s sense of stability and routine, but it will invite and encourage your ex to continue taking advantage of you.
The parenting agreement should include that each parent must make personal plans during times the children are with the other parent. And if you choose to make an exception, make certain it’s in the event of confirmed illness or injury.
Many survivors feel guilty doing this to someone with whom they used to share a life with. But remember, you would not be forced to take these measures if they weren’t who they are.
Make your peace of mind a priority over trying not to upset the narcissist.
Love,
Carmen