How to do MODIFIED No Contact
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If you have children with the narc, a joint business, or NPD family member(s) with whom you must still have contact with at family events, proceed to the next section where I explain how to properly do Modified Contact.
⚠️ Modified Contact is ONLY if you have family or legal obligations with the narc. No Exceptions!!!
How to PROPERLY do Modified No Contact…
Modified Contact is to be implemented ONLY if you have children with the narcissist, a joint business or a family connection that forces you to engage with one another. The goal is creating boundaries which ensure as little contact and least emotional effort as possible.
🚫 Decide now that you will no longer allow the narc to invade your life or behave like s/he is entitled to it!
When doing Modified Contact, you must…
Not fall for the bait. Avoid reacting out of emotion to anything the narc dumps on you.
Stop and give yourself the time and space you need to think and decide how you should respond (or if one is required at all.)
Not initiate or participate in conversation outside of necessary matters (children/business).
Not give responses that encourage them to unnecessarily expand on the conversation.
Keep interactions short and stick to facts.
The narc may react with anger & aggression. They need supply and you’re withholding. If they show abusive behavior, give them a warning such as, “If you can’t speak without yelling, I’m going to hang up.” Or… “If you continue to treat me with disrespect, I’m walking away.” If they persist, hang up or walk away. Defend your boundaries!
Matters regarding children and business must be dealt with in a laser-focused, facts-only manner. Avoid sharing other personal thoughts and emotions at all cost because doing so will only give the narc a giant “green light” to bust in and manipulate you again.
Tips to get you started with Modified No Contact:
Modified Contact could be a little trickier than going Full No Contact, but there are many who have successfully perfected this skill to a point where seeing the narcissist at children’s activities or speaking over the phone about business, no longer triggers them.
You are still creating a PROTECTIVE SPACE around you from the narcissistic toxins in order to allow you to heal and take back your life. This is Hardcore Boundary Enforcement!
❗ You’re NOT OBLIGATED to answer the phone when they call
Don’t pick up whenever you see their name on caller ID… let the call go to voicemail. This way, you can decide how you need to respond… or if a response is needed at all. When you do speak to them, end it as soon as the focus shifts away from your kids or the business. If they become abusive, give them one warning, and if they do not respect your boundaries, hang up.
❗ Require that they contact you ONLY by email
This is based on personal experience as well as from survivors I’ve workd with. Email will not only decrease the number of attacks by phone or text, you will have an electronic “paper trail” to present to court if you need to prove the narc’s instability.
An “add-on” you may want to consider using is a court-approved parenting app or communication notebook. In it you can write facts-only notes and instructions regarding the children’s well-being that you place in your child’s bag to give to the narcissist.
❗ Do not allow the narcissist to freely walk into your home
Your home is a place where you’re supposed to feel calm and safe, so you have the right to demand they no longer enter your property. If they attempt to disrespect your request, warn them that you will contact the authorities. You must defend your right to keep fear, uncertainty, and toxicity out of your life and your home!
❗ “Let go” during the narc’s time with your children
As difficult as it is, children are much safer and healthier with the narcissist if you remove yourself from their time with them. This is because the narc’s intention is to get a positive/negative response out of you. If you’re not “present”, there is no reason for them to react to anything.
However, if you can prove the narcissist is abusing your children, immediately take legal action to deny the narc any access to your kids, or if appropriate, allow only supervised visitation.
❗ You are NOT OBLIGATED to agree with their requests for schedule changes… and no, it won’t make you a bad person
Do not allow the ex to make last-minute plans that do not include the kids, during their scheduled parenting time. This not only disturbs your children’s sense of stability and routine, it will invite and encourage your ex to continue taking advantage of you.
The parenting agreement should include that each parent must make these types of personal plans during times the children are with the other parent. And if you choose to make an exception, make certain it’s in the event of confirmed illness or injury.
Many survivors feel guilty doing this to someone with whom they used to share a life with. But remember, you would not be forced to do these things if they weren’t who they are. Make your peace of mind and safety a priority over trying not to upset the narc.
Download the complete No Contact guide here.
Stay strong... YOU are worth fighting for!
Love,
Carmen