Why We Break No Contact and How to Successfully Defend It
It makes sense, doesn’t it? In order to protect yourself from someone who repeatedly manipulate and abuse you , you remove them from your mental and physical space so you can FOCUS on your own healing.
But as you know, trauma bonds make defending both no contact and modified no contact very painful, uncomfortable, and difficult.
3 Major Reasons Why We Break No Contact:
1. Cognitive Dissonance
This is when you hold two or more contradicting beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time. It makes it nearly impossible for us to accept what we already knew to be true: that the entire relationship was a fraud.
Core belief established during idealization:
My partner is my best friend and soulmate. We’re perfect for each other. S/he promised to love and protect me forever and will never hurt me!
Contradiction identified as the relationship progressed:
My partner’s words and actions do not match. They constantly behave in ways that leave me feeling insecure and confused. No one would treat someone they deeply love the way s/he treats me.
The contradicting evidence is so disturbing that we literally FIGHT ourselves to disregard it in order to defend our core beliefs that we hold as “truth.”
TRUTH: NOTHING we experienced with the narc was what we believed it to be. They didn’t love us or care about us one bit. Never have… never will.
Every cherished moment, every shared laugh, every kiss and embrace… those moments of silence looking deep into each other’s eyes… all those times we thought they’ll be coming around at any time now… ALL LIES.
None of it had anything to do with us, how much they loved us or cared about us. It was ALWAYS about getting their supply.
The only “authentic” parts the abuser shared of themselves with us were during those times of darkness when they caused us pain, loneliness, confusion, and self-doubt.
The very parts we quickly swept under the rug in hopes to get back the illusion and lies… were the ONLY truths.
We were trapped in the cognitive dissonance of loving and trying to receive validation from a person we knew didn’t love us back.
The one truth that kept me from completely losing my mind in the aftermath, and the last few months of the toxic relationship was: I must be able to identify the LOGIC behind the narc’s words and actions for it to be genuine.
In narcissistic cognitive dissonance, when you cannot find the logic, you must believe the painful contradiction. Here are just three of the contradicting questions that haunted me for weeks after the discard…
How was he so convinced I’m his soulmate, love of his life, and best friend for so long… then leave me at the drop of a hat and instantly move on like what we had never existed?
How is it possible that we were happily planning our family trips for the brand new year… and the very next day, he admits he’s been pursuing someone else because he realized “about a month or so ago” that he was no longer happy with me?
After almost two years of daily “good morning” texts, how could he suddenly stop… and move right on to a new relationship like I never mattered to him?
As badly as I wanted to hold onto the illusion, there was no way to make it logically fit with the horrible contradiction.
📌 I forced myself to see the lies for what they were… and BELIEVE his ugliness as the truth.
2. Trauma Bonding
This is what happens when victims are psychologically bonded to their abusers as a subconscious survival mode.
The abuser establishes “trust, security, & dependence” during the idealization phase when they love-bomb you with an insanely excessive amount of love, attention, and admiration. They put you on a pedestal, worship you… you’ve never felt so loved, safe, accepted, connected, or understood. You become addicted and sit safely in their promise of living in this dream forever.
But the narc begins to withhold love, attention, and affection. Their words and actions don’t exactly match. You notice they are “connecting” with others in ways you thought were reserved only for the two of you. You feel insecure and afraid… so you work hard to earn back their love.
Then the narc finally throws some scraps of attention your way. This gives you hope that they are coming back… but find yourself left feeling lonely, afraid, insecure, and confused again.
You see, the narcissist is totally aware of what they’re doing to you and how this makes you feel. Yet they continue doing this to keep you hooked. They enjoy seeing you suffer for their attention because it feeds their ego… they thrive on watching you light up and jump for the bits of affection they throw at you because it makes them feel superior.
This is called “intermittent reinforcement. You become addicted to this very limited and fleeting “relief” the narc offers you in between their bad behavior.
The stronger and more frequent the pain, the sweeter the relief – no matter how small the relief may be.
For example, I would find the narc-ex giving other women inappropriate attention (again). I bring it up and we argue. He eventually ends up promising to stop behaving that way (again) because I’m his priority and focus.
Here’s the kicker… No matter how many times we get into the SAME argument about the SAME thing, at the end, I always end up THANKING the narc for taking care of my heart… and even feeling GRATEFUL for having such a kind and compassionate man!
I was dependent on his LIES that relieved the nagging suspicions in my head and horrible pain in my heart. So I forced myself to identify the ridiculous things I was “thanking” him for and reframe it with the TRUTH…
Illusion: I thanked him for making me “feel better” and “protecting my heart” every time I felt insecure and jealous.
TRUTH: I was thanking him for the lame lies because I desperately wanted him to see me as worthy of love and kindness again.
3. Dependence on the Abuser to Heal Our Hurt.
Narcissists are unable to offer anything of value required in a healthy and loving relationship. Yet we break No Contact because we continue to make the narcissist responsible for our happiness.
This is beyond dangerous because we are depending on someone with a SERIOUS personality disorder (who doesn’t even have an identity of their own!) to heal our wounds.
The narcissist hooked us in when they positioned themselves right in the center of our lives and promised us all the wonderful and perfect things that we’ve always wanted but learned how to cope without. Perhaps it was unconditional love… honesty and security… financial stability… or maybe they appeared to “get” your weirdness and accept you as you are 100%.
But when they started pulling away… when their mask started to crack… they grabbed at the wounds we’ve long hidden deep in our subconscious and violently ripped them right out to the surface. They brought our suppressed internal injuries into our current reality, leaving us desperate for our abuser to rescue us once again like they did during idealization.
This is why you must put all your focus into healing your emotional wounds. Recover from the damage, develop a strong sense of self, and create strong boundaries to protect your self and your whole life.
Once you go through the process, your toxic dependence will be broken!
Reminders That Helped Me ENFORCE NC:
⚔️ Making the Narcissist Irrelevant Causes Them the GREATEST of Narcissistic Injury.
You’ve likely read by now that what the narc hates most is being IGNORED. It leaves them feeling meaningless & insignificant because they depend on emotional reactions they extract from people around them to define their value. Many survivors have used this knowledge as motivation to get started with No Contact.
Just remember… as satisfying as it is to take this “revenge”, you must begin actively working on your healing right away.
Why? Remember how the narcissist has to CONSTANTLY have his/her ego fed with supply to keep them from sitting in their own miserable emptiness? Well, the ego works the same way for ALL of us…
Have you ever felt a sense of incredible strength after facing a difficult life challenge… only to find yourself feeling defeated and hopeless again a few days (or even mere moments) later?
That’s your ego at work.
Whatever you feed the ego, the effects are very short lived… the energy you give it is only temporary because unlike your true self, the ego needs CONSTANT proof and validation.
If you do not begin doing your inner-work to heal your wounds and remove your dependency on the narc, you’ll find yourself tempted to check up on the narcissist for proof and validation that you are causing them grief.
So while you can use this knowledge to empower and motivate you to begin No Contact… you must keep in mind that it’s only to get you started. You have to start putting YOU at the center of your focus as soon as possible.
⚔️ My Choice to Remain No Contact is a Choice to Protect Myself Against Abuse.
Every time you choose to enforce No Contact… by not reaching out, responding to, or checking up on the narcissist, you strengthen your self-worth, self-esteem, self-love, and self-respect! You are making your healing a priority and you practice YOUR RIGHT to protect yourself from harm.
The results are barely noticeable at first, so don’t let the slow-start fool you! It’s a snowball effect… once you’re on a roll, it will grow quickly and the results… LIFE CHANGING.
By remaining NC, you’re choosing to protect your thoughts and emotions from damaging information and psychological violence… you’re finally choosing YOU over an ABUSER.
⚔️ I Will Defend Myself and Will Not Hand Anyone the Power to Control Me Ever Again!
Narcissists do not possess any real power. They don’t even have a core identity, so they depend on their targets to constantly validate their existence and drain all our energy until we have nothing left.
Their only “power” is to be a leech and take everything we have without contributing anything of value in return… leaving us feeling weak and empty – pretty much like the narc’s natural state.
The difference is, while there is no absolute cure for narcissistic personality disorder, YOU can recover and take back your power and control over yourself and your whole life!
By healing your emotional wounds, you have the ability to build yourself back to WHOLE… no longer susceptible to abuse by narcissists and other toxic people.
Find all the quality support you can to help reinforce the protection around you. Change your phone number, block them on social media, block and filter their emails, file a restraining order… do whatever you need to protect yourself from the narcissist’s direct and indirect abuse as you move forward on your journey to recovery!
⚔️ I Am Worth More Than Empty Promises.
Doing No Contact IS NOT limited to physical contact. You must emotionally detach and go No Contact to successfully free yourself from your dependency to the narcissistic illusion and their cycle of abuse.
Stop entertaining what the relationship “could have been.” It’s important to acknowledge it for what it REALLY was - a fantasy from the mind of a person who lacks a functioning personality, whose ONLY motivation is to have others validate their worth.
You accepted what the narc offered because the illusion they fed you quieted the pain you were feeling from parts of you that you felt were missing. You long for what they promised… but you deserve more than empty promises!
Heal your wounds and you will be able to filter out the phony, psychologically unhealthy “wannabes”, clearing the way for the people and experiences that are able to provide you with the REAL thing.
⚔️ My Freedom is Worth More Than Validation by an Abuser.
It’s common for victims of narcissistic abuse to find themselves longing for validation from their abuser. And when we witness the abuser happily move on with a new victim without batting an eyelash, our need for confirmation that WE were not the problem becomes overwhelming.
How could they be so happy while my soul has been torn to shreds? Perhaps the problem really was me after all?
Remember how perfect everyone around you thought the narc was… and how you willingly confirmed that illusion because you wanted so badly to have your perfect soulmate back again? I can pretty much guarantee that the same thing is happening (or soon will be) about now.
Remove yourself from that suffocating prison of LIES & MANIPULATION and focus on taking care of YOU! Fight for your FREEDOM from abuse!
⚔️ My Success is the Best Revenge. Leaving the Narcissist Irrelevant… Even Better.
Put yourself at the very center of your focus. You deserve to be genuinely loved, appreciated, and respected just like anyone else. Heal your wounds and live your life as it was meant to be lived… FULL OUT! Don’t keep checking up on what the narc is doing because it’s all just for show anyway.
The narc-ex revealed so much about NPD without even knowing it – it’s crazy. For example: during his 10-year marriage to his ex-wife, he made it a point to display only happy and successful images for his “fans” and family to see… but inside he felt trapped, empty, & miserable; stuck in a “loveless” marriage.
Of course it was a loveless marriage… he’s unable to truly love. Of course he felt empty & miserable… he IS empty & his ego needs constant feeding to keep him from feeling like a nobody. Of course he was stuck… he’s a narc for LIFE.
No one would guess he’s so miserable. All you see is a happy go lucky guy who enjoyed life! Narcs are pros at image control!
He may have believed he was gaining sympathy from me… and at the time he got it. But now I realize he was actually giving ME something for once: all the first-hand information to help with my healing… and now, yours too.
Thank you, Carmen’s narc-ex!
So whatever the narc might be doing or appearing to “get away with” is totally irrelevant… it’s always going to be a show to get cheers and stuff like that has no place in your life now! They will FOREVER feel like a ZERO and it takes a lot out of them to maintain the mask they wear for others to see.
Take comfort in that TRUTH and give 100% of your focus and attention to yourself… because the BEST “revenge” is YOUR SUCCESS and their ultimately being left IRRELEVANT in your life.
When you do No Contact, go ALL IN. Do it with the intention to take your life back from a mere shadow of a person.
YOU are the light… without light, the shadow cease to exist.
Love,
Carmen