How to do NO CONTACT
Give yourself a clean & safe space to properly heal
If you have been poisoned from swimming in disease infested waters, the first thing you must do to save yourself is GET OUT of the disgusting, contaminated water!
No Contact (NC) is based on the same idea.
You’ve been mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and possibly physically POISONED by lies, manipulation, infidelity, projection, triangulation, gas lighting, shaming, and countless other psychological warfare tactics used by an emotionally absent manipulator… and the first thing you must do to save yourself is GET OUT of that crazy-making toxic energy and environment!
Without PROPERLY doing No Contact, you will continue to be infected with narcissistic toxins from all directions, impairing your ability to process this trauma and begin healing.
It will be tough at first, but NC is absolutely necessary for your complete and successful recovery. Removing yourself from the horrible world of lies and manipulation will give you a clean space to detox, heal your wounds, and begin your journey to move beyond the cycle of abuse!
Let’s start by cleaning out the NPD contamination from your space:
Block the manipulator on Facebook, Instagram, Skype, WhatsApp, and all your other social media and accounts with which you can be reached.
Block them on your phone (my cell phone provider gives me the option to block numbers through my online account).
Send “blocked” and “unknown” numbers to voicemail.
Block their emails and filter their address directly to spam/trash. If they use a different email, immediately block and spam/trash.
** Remove ALL possibilities or outgoing AND incoming contact. Not reaching out or responding, but STILL allowing their messages to come through is NOT NC! **
Block all mutual contacts who are members of the narc "fan club" who will fake concern for you, then run back to the one who emotionally abuses you with info.
NO talking about the abuser to mutual friends or relatives.
Ask family and friends to support you by honoring your request not to update you with news/gossip about the narcissist, unless it compromises your safety. (This alone is INVALUABLE!)
Immediately DELETE any communication that slip through the blocks and filters, and NEVER EVER reply.
** The point of doing NC is to train your brain to stop obsessing over the abuser and eventually file them away as IRRELEVANT. Acknowledging them simply reminds your brain that the abuser is worth paying attention to **
If you receive anything through post, throw straight into the trash. Let them wonder whether or not you have received it.
NO stalking the manipulator on Facebook or anywhere else.
** Remember - manipulators twist the truth so others will see what the manipulator WANTS them to see. Stalking a PHONY will only confuse you and hinder your recovery. **
No driving by their house, workplace, school, etc., because you “happened to be in the neighborhood.”
Get rid of everything narc-related: gifts, cards, photos, anything that will remind you of your relationship. If you are unable to, pack those items away keep it at a friend’s house. Honestly? You can even sell/donate items such as jewelry, clothing, and electronics.
** You do not need a reminder of what "you've survived"... because the goal is to break free and move beyond this experience. **
How to do EMOTIONAL No Contact
This is where many who go No Contact fall short. NC doesn’t only mean that you no longer contact the narc or accept/respond to their contact. It’s because we stop here that many who are doing NC still suffer from constant thoughts of the abuser and are at high risk of breaking NC.
No Contact also means you must stop expecting the manipulator to be the SOURCE of love, acceptance, and happiness in your life. Unless you take that power back, you will remain addicted to the narcissist’s illusion.
To properly do Full No Contact – which includes EMOTIONAL No Contact, you MUST begin the self-healing process right away!
Time to jump off the Crazy-Train!
That “relief” provided by the narcissist is NOT REAL But without healing, you will continue to rely on the narc to provide that illusion.
Of course, you won’t get genuine relief because narcissists are emotionally empty and lack a functioning personality. They do not have the ability to truly bond with anyone because they are unable to show up as their authentic self.
But you’ve been conditioned to DEPEND on the narc to provide love & security in your life because they idealized you and pretended to heal your inner wounds…
See where this crazy-train is headed?
When NC is done RIGHT…
At the time of this writing (2018), I have been NC from the narcissistic ex for nearly eight months since my “relapse” during month four. I immediately began focusing on my recovery and have had no thoughts about him… no longing… no triggers… no flashbacks… NOTHING.
When I’m writing NPD articles or creating recovery guides such as this, I must think back to my experiences in detail… but those thoughts are not emotionally charged. The mental and emotional energy used is about equal to recalling when I last pumped gas into my car.
I can visualize it but I’m not triggered… there is no emotion attached to it. Irrelevance is what you’re aiming for.
I’ve also successfully released the feelings of NOT being lovable, special, intelligent, and worth protecting – the very feelings I’ve been tormented with since childhood. This most horrendous experience forced me to come face to face with all my demons and wipe them out.
The result? Freedom and REAL relief… and the space to completely feel and receive love, acceptance, and support which looks like this:
My mind is clear
I have more energy than ever before (I used to always feel exhausted… needing naps throughout the day)
I have strong boundaries that I enforce without compromise
I finally get my sleep! (I was desperately searching for sleep aids during the relationship with the narc)
I’m comfortable with making my well-being a priority (I used to feel selfish for wanting to invest any time and effort on myself)
I have the self-respect and self-love to walk away from toxic people and situations without hesitation
I flat-out refuse to absorb or own someone else’s issues (I used to take responsibility for other people’s crap)
and I’m finally able to form genuine bonds with good people
This allows me to show up as my very best in my life, for my son, myself, and those who depend on me.
When NC is done WRONG…
A large number of motivated and intelligent people who have gone NC from abusers are finding themselves still painfully traumatized by the experience… YEARS after the disastrous discard. How is that even possible?
Though they NEVER broke No Contact, they remained in EMOTIONAL contact with the abuser. This is a result of not properly processing and healing the emotional wounds.
The narcissist was still their SOURCE of love, validation, and security.
If this is where you are, know that you are NOT at fault! My heart goes out to you because I am all too familiar with the veil of self-doubt, fear, and defeat you are unable to escape from.
Most of what you find for NPD abuse recovery are “narcissistic personality disorder education” and “going NC.” Proper healing to recover from the abuse is still far and few… the truth about NPD abuse is still at its infancy.
Also, many survivors mistakenly believe they’ve gone NC, when in reality, they have gone No Response. If the manipulator is still able to reach you by their regular phone, email, social media, etc., you’re NOT doing No Contact.
“Not Responding” is NOT No Contact!
Going No Response is incredibly dangerous to YOU because it gives you the illusion of “personal strength & control” when what you’ve done is to trap YOURSELF in the abuse long after the relationship has ended.
Please don’t trick yourself into believing that you can keep the line of communication open just in case, as long as you don’t respond. Narcissists are unable to change for ANYONE… their behavior and thought process are embedded into the deepest part of their minds and they will continue living the cycle of abuse until they die.
BLOCK all forms of outgoing AND incoming communication to save your sanity & protect yourself.
