Why No Contact / Modified No Contact is REQUIRED
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a VERY REAL
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is classified within “Cluster B” by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Personality Disorders, and characterized by unpredictable thinking or behavior and manipulative, exploitative interactions with others.
This means your abuser wasn’t being nasty for the sake of being a douchebag… but because parts of their brain had been so whacked-out, they are unable to think & behave like a normal human. Their brains are hard-wired this way.
WHY is this important to TRULY and COMPLETELY understand? Why does Carmen repeat this information over and over x1000 again?
Because it’s virtually impossible to physically identify individuals with NPD as disordered, and THIS draws us to believe they should behave and respond like you and me.
It’s a HUGE reason why WE suffer from Cognitive Dissonance!
Invisible illnesses are REAL
NPD is a VERY REAL personality disorder characterized by the lack of a functioning personality and emotional empathy, as well as a dimmed conscience and the inability to feel guilt. Brain scans of NPDs reveal abnormalities in the area of the brain related to compassion.
This disorder is physically REAL.
NPDs are dependent on external approval and adulation (ie. supply) to validate and regulate their self-esteem and self-definition. Their disorder has wiped-out their ability to see beyond their own needs, and their only motivation is to obtain narcissistic supply (approval, admiration, adulation, validation, etc.) to relieve their immediate feelings of emptiness.
Their disorder is just so ALIEN from what we are familiar with in our own everyday reality that it is insanely difficult to TRULY grasp what we are really up against… Because of that, we can’t help but expect the narc to possess the same ability to love and care for others like we can.
Narcissistic manipulation is so covert; many victims don’t even realize they’re being abused. Some continue to question whether they have been abused at all (giving the narc the benefit of the doubt… and possibly absorbing the blame themselves) long after the relationship.
Hiding in plain sight…
Narcissists come in all varieties… from successful entrepreneurs and powerful CEO’s of billion-dollar companies… to supportive social workers and classroom teachers. They may contribute to charitable causes and volunteer to help the less fortunate. They can also be unemployed freeloaders sponging off one victim after another.
Regardless, they easily escape accountability because of the charming masks they wear for the outside world…
That's why executing NO CONTACT or MODIFIED NO CONTACT is the only option. Unless you remove ALL ILLUSIONS projected by the narc from sight, it will hinder your recovery.
You must shut them out completely because narcissists don’t care about loving or being loved… understanding or being understood. They don’t care about the relationship the same way you do.
They LIVE moment by moment driven by their need for narcissistic supply.
So even if they drop on their knees and confess they’ve made a terrible mistake… even if they say they’re ready to see a counselor… even if they tell you the skies parted, the angels blessed them with a shower of confetti, and they found religion… even if they tell you they now realize there is no one more perfect than you… no one they love more than they love you… NO CONTACT. NO EXCUSES.
* Read my article about this on Thought Catalog *
It’s NEVER about loving you or caring deeply about you. It will ALWAYS be about getting narcissistic supply. ALWAYS.
HOW TO PROPERLY DO NO CONTACT
No Contact is absolutely REQUIRED in order to give yourself some UNCONTAMINATED space to breathe, think, and heal.
Right now, you’re dealing with an addiction to an emotional and psychological abuser, and like an addict needing their drug regardless of how harmful it is, it’s normal to long for contact with the narcissist. The important thing is to stand firm in your TRUTH and enforce No Contact NO MATTER WHAT.
They’re holding an UNLOADED gun (narcs are EMPTY). YOU have the bullets (you’re the SOURCE of supply). Breaking No Contact is like handing all the bullets over to the narcissist so they can begin shooting at you all over again.
You already learned that a person with NPD has nothing of value to contribute in a healthy, loving relationship. They lack a functioning personality and are unable to define their worth. As a result, they NEED someone – ANYONE - to CONSTANTLY feed their fragile egos with reassurance that they are “somebody” in this world.
However, narcissists are master manipulators and will shape-shift to appear as a “dream-come-true soulmate” to trick a good source (you) into their miserable and empty world. And their tactic is to go straight for your unhealed wounds and appear to offer you the RELIEF you have learned to live without.
We were seeking the love, support, security, and understanding we’ve always wanted… from an emotionally disordered person who can’t even maintain their own self-esteem.
That’s disturbing & frightening!
NC is also meant to give you a much-needed BREAK...
Experts will encourage you to “Step into your VALUE or POWER” (as I would if circumstances were different)… but at the moment, I know you’re not feeling very valuable or powerful. So while you’re working on building yourself up, my advice to you (the same one I gave myself) is…
Step Into Your SELF and Give Yourself a BREAK...
“But I feel so lonely...”
I understand that at first, you probably won’t care that the narc’s intentions aren’t genuine… you just want to be the one in their life! But think about where that longing comes from...
I’ve been there. I know what that feels like.
I wanted to be “his one” even if he’s unable to truly love and care about me. I just wanted to be in that “picture”… even if it meant dealing with the doubts, frustration, triangulation, loneliness, and emptiness for the rest of my life.
That is the mindset of someone who believes “I don’t deserve to be genuinely loved and protected. I will never truly be accepted” … and so you feel like you’re missing out on the BEST chance you have at “the closest you’ll get” to the picture of love, happiness, and security.
But you know what? You deserve so much more than pathetic scraps of fake attention and affection. You don’t have to settle for some phony relationship that will only keep destroying you until you’re left completely exhausted, depleted, and defeated.
This toxic belief will be REMOVED with inner-healing… which can ONLY happen with NO CONTACT done PROPERLY.
So take this time to give yourself a break from wondering why another person could not accept you. Do not base your worth on anyone… especially someone who is NOT mentally capable of thinking and behaving like a healthy human being!
NC gives you the time and space to DETOX from the LIES you’ve been fed by people who have so completely given up on THEMSELVES, their only relief was to tear YOU down so they can rise above you.
YOU are the source. YOU are the prize. ALWAYS CHOOSE YOU.